How to Offer Support
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Sometimes it鈥檚 hard to know how to respond when someone tells us that they are struggling or that something bad happened. It can also be hard to know when to reach out to someone we're worried about. Sometimes we don鈥檛 know what to say, how their response will make us feel or how we鈥檒l come across. It鈥檚 important to not ignore our own distress, and it鈥檚 important to not ignore someone else鈥檚 struggle.
Traumatic Events
When bad things happen and we need someone to talk to, it鈥檚 most likely that we will turn to someone close to us to talk about听our experience. How that person responds matters. If the response is negative, it may shut someone down or increase the impact of a traumatic event. If the response it positive, it can help a person feel hopeful.
[video:https://youtu.be/_H9ZUZyh66U]
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[video:https://youtu.be/r47l4eUU1bc]
Here are some important things that we can do to support someone听who discloses a traumatic or disruptive life event:
- Check on their safety and help them address any immediate safety concerns.
- Actively listen and seek to understand their feelings and needs.
- Reflect back what you hear.
- This helps to clarify understanding and shows that you are really listening.
- Normalize and validate their feelings.
- This doesn鈥檛 mean normalizing the bad thing that happened but rather affirming that their response to it is understandable.
- People respond to traumatic events differently and however听someone is feeling or acting (e.g. laughing, crying, no emotion, etc.) is normal.
- Keep calm and avoid having your own emotional response interfere. Your job isn鈥檛 to 鈥渇ix鈥 the person, make them feel better, or take their pain away. Your job is simply to listen.
- Recognize your own internal judgment and how it may affect your response.
- Having judgment about what someone could have done differently is normal, but we need to keep from verbalizing that judgment, as it is likely to increase defensiveness, shame, and self-blame for the person disclosing something traumatic.
- Avoid a tone of voice or any actions that would escalate their response or the situation.
- Follow their lead and let them decide what they need.
- This means we don鈥檛 want to tell them what to do or how to feel.
- Help them explore options and choices for additional support or next steps, but don鈥檛 pressure them to take action.
- If you are a member of the CU community who has an obligation to report, let them know that you must contact the听 when it comes to discrimination, harassment, sexual misconduct, intimate partner abuse, or stalking,听but that they still have a choice in whether to follow-up or take additional action.
- For more information on how to help someone who discloses a traumatic event, please visit the Office of Victim Assistance (OVA)听how to help page.
- Learn more about how听to talk with students when problems arise.
- Learn ways to be an ally to Black people and communities of color.
When you鈥檙e worried about someone
Life can be stressful. It may be difficult to tell whether someone听is dealing with the usual life stressors or if they are facing something more serious.听.
Signs that may be cause for concern:
- Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
- Withdrawal from friends, family, work, school or social activities that used to be enjoyable
- Changes in eating or sleeping patterns
- Anger, rage, or extreme reactions to certain situations
- Trouble concentrating, thinking or making decisions, or suddenly struggling
- Restless, irritable, agitated, or anxious movements or behaviors
- Ceasing to care about appearance or about keeping up with personal hygiene
- Reckless or impulsive behaviors such as excessive spending or risky behavior
- Increased use of alcohol or other drugs
- Persistent physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive problems, or chronic pain that do not respond to treatment
It is important to provide your support, but you are not responsible for fixing the problem. Think of it this way: if someone had a broken arm, you couldn鈥檛 fix it yourself, but you probably wouldn鈥檛 ignore it.
Here are some ways to approach someone that you are concerned about:
Check in and listen:
Express your concerns based on what you鈥檝e noticed.
If they open up, listen and don鈥檛 change the subject.
鈥淚鈥檓 glad that you are telling me.鈥
"I may not understand exactly how you feel, but I hear what you are struggling with and want to help.鈥
Just listening empathically and allowing a person to talk about their problems can be very helpful.听Resist the temptation to give advice or dismiss their concerns.听Ask them what you can do to help.
Offer resources for support without pressuring them to seek help if they aren鈥檛 ready.
鈥淭丑别re are good resources on campus. Can I help you find someone to talk to?鈥
鈥 provides support after a traumatic event and I鈥檝e heard they are a wonderful resource.鈥
鈥淭丑别 is a valuable resource for talking through something like this.鈥
Access emergency and crisis care听or call 911 if immediate assistance is needed.
Be prepared for all possible reactions:
- Your friend or colleague may not react to your concern in a positive way. They may:
- Deny that anything is wrong
- Be unready to seek help
- Become defensive or angry
- Don鈥檛 take a negative reaction personally.
- Be patient and let them know that you are available if they want to talk.
- It may be helpful to ask them about what, specifically, is stopping them from seeking help.
- If they are听unwilling to get help and you are still concerned and unsure what to do, you can contact a campus resource to get advice about the situation.
Take care of yourself:
- Some people get so caught up in worrying about others that it starts to negatively affect them.
- Remember, taking on someone's听problems or trying to solve them yourself isn't actually helpful.
- If you are feeling overwhelmed, support services on campus like OVA听(Office of Victim Assistance),听CAPS (Counseling and Psychiatric Services), and FSAP (Faculty and Staff Assistance Program) are available for you, too.
Take suicidal thoughts seriously:
- If someone is talking around suicide (e.g. 鈥淚 just don鈥檛 feel like living鈥 or 鈥淚 can鈥檛 go on like this鈥), ask them directly if they are thinking of hurting themselves.
- Never promise to keep someone鈥檚 suicidal thoughts or behaviors private.
- Whether you or someone you know is having a hard time, it鈥檚 important to reach out for help. Find out more about how to access support or help a fellow Buff.
鈥淚 am listening. This is important.鈥
鈥淚鈥檓 glad you told me. We need to get help.鈥
